Why more women are opting for celibacy and abstinence.

I started writing this a few weeks ago when it was a trending topic on Twitter. Most women complained about the attitude of men as the primary reason. I wondered if that was all to it, although I have a journal that I document reasons why to not have sex with men, specifically. This journal started as a joke of all the horrible and funny things men I do not know, say or do publicly- for instance Drake’s lyrics where he alludes to sex with Rihanna being wack. I don’t take it too seriously but I currently have 87 entries.

It was also funny to see people who were genuinely shocked that women weren’t staying celibate because of purity culture and chastity. That women who didn’t care about these could also opt to not be sexually active.

You probably also thought it is about men or chastity. Well, you were not wrong. But not also entirely correct.

I wondered if I should write this “academically” or like an opinion blog. Guess which won!

“But really for me it’s because I haven’t found any man I like that much. Men are draining. They aren’t that interesting or deserving tbh.”

For A and many women like her, it’s just that simple. She will only participate if she thinks that a man is interesting and deserving. Unfortunately, or fortunately; depending on what matters to you, it’s been almost 2 years since she met anyone like that. I quiz her more to understand what she means by there aren’t just enough interesting men. Where does she typically meet men? How often? And what makes up an uninteresting man to her? What would a man do to deserve it? I don’t ask her but I recall that when we had talked about dating previously, besides going to the gym and work events, she wasn’t going to many other places she would interact with men physically. Obviously, all social media are dating apps so she’s still connecting with a number of men; just not physically. You can argue that experiencing people virtually is not enough to know a person but virtual spaces probably encourage most people to be their most extroverted selves, and perhaps it’s in their extrovercy that these men say and do things that makes A find them draining and uninteresting. I wonder if more women are getting antiseduced by most men due to overexposure. Or is the dichotomy between the opinions that most men hold and most women hold so rigid, that more women just can’t stand them. When she says deserve, I wonder if she means that their behavior before or after is so unpleasant that they are unworthy, or perhaps both?

“Men are not serious. They don’t want commitment. Even [church name withheld] guys. They say one thing, but they aren’t interested in marriage. I want to get married but they just want to sleep with me.”

For some women, it’s simply just plain old religion. B tells me that as she became more spiritual, she began to abhor casual relationships. Initially, she was still willing to engage in sexual activities within the confines of a committed relationship. In her minds eyes, that was her ‘husband’. But men, the ones that served with her at church too, just want one thing and will say anything to get it. Her resolve is that they must be willing to go as far as actually joining together with her in holy matrimony to get it. I ask her if maybe the relationships simply just fell through, rather than a wicked plan by the men. “No. Ella. No”, she waves one of her fingers at me theatrically. Outside of religious settings, relationships fail all the time. Is it true that men just get into romantic relationships to get one thing out of it? It seems like a lot of work for benefits they can get equally without that much work. I remember Ifeanyi who told me years ago that in uni, he particularly pretended to be a ‘church boy’ in the choir, just so he could sleep with as many friends as he wished. They will never let each other know what was really happening and showed their possessiveness and jealousy with much more affection; Everything worked in his favor, they were not like the other girls. This kind of manipulation can be chucked down to silliness in undergraduate school but these are grown adults now. Are there men still participating in these sort of silly games? For women who will only participate in sexual relationships within the confines of a marriage or committed relationship, where does this leave them?

“I’m tired of dating. It’s not necessarily about sex.”

Can dating be exhausting? Many people share this sentiment. But what makes it so? Is it the frequency, the short livedness or the motions? C doesn’t really want to talk about what’s exhausting to her. It’s also possible that because she had quite a long term relationship that broke off a couple of years ago, she doesn’t have the stamina to continue the search for another partner. She tells me she is demisexual and only discovered this after trying to pretend like she was comfortable with casual sex. She hated all of the experiences and with the few people she connected with she found herself trapped in situationships that brought her no romantic satisfaction beyond the dopamine. For people like C, it’s chemistry (or biology) that’s forced her into celibacy. If she doesn’t feel emotionally connected, she wouldn’t feel interested sexually.

“I thought being with women was the solution. It wasn’t. A lot of people are pretending to be what they are not to access the benefits of intimacy.”

D discovered men weren’t the problem after all because dating women only led her to more detrimental heartbreaks. Before she opted to become celibate, she found herself in a string of unintended one night stands, web of ghosts and deep affectionate love that wasn’t given to her alone; many times with sprinkles of deception. For D, celibacy was a way to navigate finding a partner without getting too confused or too invested. I asked her how that was going so far and she scoffed.

“I’m busy and tired all the time. And the men here, they are busy and tired all the time too and it makes them sinister.”

Migration and capitalism are E’s own worst enemies, and men, again. E has been living in her new country for a little over a year and between school, work and adjusting to her new life; she finds that her roses, rabbits and fingers have quite the terrific ability. To her it’s better than dealing with men who say they care for you but really just care to nut, “and you can’t blame them, everyone is just trying to survive right now”. She’s chosen to stay celibate for a couple more years when she might feel more relaxed to vet her partners better.

“It stopped appealing to me and I stopped”

Maybe it was a series of bad experiences or sudden asexuality but F now admits that all of sex is unappealing and so even though she has a boyfriend, she is fully celibate. Before she met him, she had tried with multiple type of partners, drugs, settings and kinks, but found all unappealing and quite performative. The unfulfilling quest to fix herself made her to only hate and fear sex more till she realized, she just didn’t care for it.

“I’m still in love with [ex’s name withheld]”

We laughed. G’s reason for being celibate is that she’s loyal to a man she hopes comes back. This is not their first rodeo. She knows he’ll be back and doesn’t want the complication of someone else in the mix. It’s been almost six weeks since they broke up and the longest they’ve ever stayed apart.

I don’t know if I have to have a reason. Sometimes people choose to fast and sometimes people can choose to become celibate. It’s discipline. It’s controlling yourself.

It doesn’t always have to do with men and it doesn’t always mean they stop dating, sometimes women make choices because they have the freedom to. In this case, denial is in itself satisfactory enough that this choice is made.

— the power of choice. More women feel less pressure to be liked, agreeable and performative now and because of this, they are able to swing the bat as they please. They can dictate the terms with which they participate and withdraw their participation if that’s what will give them greater satisfaction.

— the safety. Women want safety with sexual partners; casual or romantic. Most societies are sexist and the connotations of what sex can imply for women make most weary. There’s other things like body dysphoria and outright abuse that can generally also make women to rather abstain. Sometimes, partners don’t do enough to make women feel safe and can even be the enforcers of these stereotypes. Simple things like after care and consideration will probably go a good way to make more women comfortable and assured.

— the inertia and logistics. The process, the prim and the proper can be discouraging. There are better things a person can do with their time than navigating a dating pool and for people who don’t want casual encounters, it can get exhausting trying to vet the intention of others.

The trend of women increasing opting for celibacy and abstinence wouldn’t surprise you when you consider the shift in socio-culture that has lead to the disillusionment with traditional relationship dynamics, ease of connections beyond romantic, prioritization of other personal and career goals and increased autonomy. Celibacy offers women the ability to redefine satisfaction outside romantic relationships while sorting for higher quality ones even though the triggers might be different.