The Paradox Of Authenticity

I think about originality a lot. I would like to be my most unique and original self at all times, enjoying and being who I truly am, not a person that has twisted herself to represent an idea.

Sometimes I wonder, why does it matter to be original? Why does it matter so much to me?

I’ve noticed that people develop a taste for things and concepts simply because others have that taste. People develop taste for music, for color, for style, for cuisine, for art, for activities, for gadgets, for places, for friends, for just about anything because it is popular. I’ve also seen people develop a taste for things because it is contrary to what’s popular. They develop their ideas and opinions to stand against the crowd consciously. It’s important to them to be ‘othered’ in that way. But that, in itself, is in some way reacting and conforming to popular opinion. I’ve watched people defend their values, not based on their ethics or morals but simply because it’s popular, and standing different is defeatist.

I don’t judge any of these; not necessarily, because I also wonder a lot of times, is it so bad to want to be like other people? Is it bad to want to belong to a tribe?

It should be okay to cultivate your taste in a way that you share it with others. It’s easy to find a community in a way that makes it easier to navigate and discover new things to like. Inheriting the likes and mimicking others would give you a sense of belonging and make it easier to be relatable. It is easier to like what everyone likes. To say what everyone says. To go where everyone goes. To have the same hobbies as everyone else. To obsess over the same movies and shows and music.

But I bother so much about it. So much about it, in myself. I want to have my tastes unique to me. Unique, not in a way that it’s different or that it makes me different. Unique, in a way that this is truly what I like and want, even if everyone on earth lived in solitude.

It shouldn’t matter if everyone else likes things I like if I truly like it. I want to like art that I find interesting not because it’s been applauded so much that I’m now psyched to like it. I want to work on problems I find fulfillment in solving. I want to find people beautiful because I like how their hair shapes their face and can’t forget their eyes. I want to like music that moves me; whether it is popular or it is niche or it is underground. I want to show and demand love in the way that feels most natural to me. I want to like colors that make me feel. I want to like people that I like. I want to read books that have covers that pick my interest and pages that make me turn to the next. I want my fashion to be simply that, mine. I want to enjoy the things I enjoy because I truly enjoy them and not because I’m trying to be unique or because I’m yearning to belong.

But we live in a society. How easy is it to not get influenced by the opinion of others. To not curate our hobbies to be similar to that of those around us. To have no curiosity for the hottest trends in pop culture.

So I quiz myself from time to time, to sift for things I truly enjoy and what I might be cosplaying enjoyment for, how I am discovering new things and why I decide I like what I do — my motives and my incentives.

And yet there are times that I think to myself that how my ideas, my thoughts, my taste, my desires form is unimportant; as long as I believe and enjoy them. Why does it matter if those taste are uniquely formed or not? Why does it matter at all — since I enjoy them and I have my reasons for enjoying them, including just that they give me a common ground with other people?

Does this make me less original? Does conforming mean I am less myself? And if I give in, in one way does this make me more susceptible, more easily influenced, and is it so bad to be? Am I less me? Does this mean I’m not discovering who I am or is this how you discover who you are?

Who I am would be shaped by my personhood; my core self but also the environment I find myself. Society, with its expectations and cultural currents probably imprints itself on how I see myself, my desires and pursuits. And maybe it’s okay to not resist conformity. Maybe that makes me less unique, but that also brings me fellowship. And at the end of the day, it is possible that my most authentic self is the self that finds a balance with external echoes and my innate desires. That would be her and that should be alright.